Becoming Mrs. Kroll

Let's talk about the title of this Blog: Becoming Mrs. Kroll. As the year has gone by I have realized just how difficult becoming (insert any sort of new role) really is. The wedding planning can be frustrating and hectic at times, but nothing hurts as much as the necessary growing pains involved as we step into and put on the different hats we will wear in each of our lifetimes. Becoming somebody's wife is a crazy thing, if you think about it. Especially in this day and age. It's not easy to realize that on some days you are going to have to be Mrs. (Your Husband's Name) - I have the power of attorney to back it up! My biggest struggle is that I've got these molds of what I think it means to be a woman and a wife, but in reality there is no way for me to fit into this mold that I have made. Why? Because I'm too BIG for it. Being a wife does not and can not define me, or anyone, and I'm being silly when I try and let it. I need to learn to let it become who I am and let Christina own the role of "wife", and not the other way around. What does this mean for me? Well because of Alex's profession, I had to make the decision between pursuing my own career or supporting his career. The decision was all up to me, and I know that I made the right one, but it's so hard sometimes to think I'm Mrs. Alex Kroll, because I was going to "be somebody" dang it! I suppose the growing up is in knowing that I am somebody. Somebody who was chosen and hand crafted by God to be my own somebody, but with all of these fictional paradigms of what it means to be a woman, a wife, a military wife, etc, sometimes it's tough figuring out who that somebody I was made to be(not that I wanted to be) is. 

While we are on the topic of what it means to be a wife - I think the perception of the difference between men and women is wrong. They say that men are the "fixers" and this is why they dont want to just listen to problems, they want to fix them, while women are ok with listening to problems because ... I guess they aren't "fixers"? Of course women aren't fixers. If we had it our way nothing would be broken in the first place! But seriously, a woman tries so hard to do her best, to impress the rest, to keep everything together, and if something goes wrong, someone wasn't impressed, or things start to fall apart, we take it as a character flaw. We see it as there being something so innately wrong with us that we couldn't have handled the situation in the first place. WHY do we do this to ourselves? More importantly, why do we do this to each other? We work our butts off, we cry, complain to our husbands and very best friends, and then we show up all prim and proper with 30 perfect cookies that survived the cut while the other 500 imperfect cookies are sitting in a ziploc bag labeled "HUSBAND". What is so wrong with those cookies? They are just as delicious! And it helps to show that nothing is ever easy for anyone and I don't understand my own need to make things appear so. 

Blame the church, blame your parents, but mostly blame yourself for perpetuating this sort of self hatred that women seem to contain within themselves. We messed up, big time. At some point the feminist movement came along and decided "Hey you know what, Betty Crocker, this isn't enough for you, you need to beat men in education and work" and that's exactly what we did. We worked harder and longer than our male counterparts and hey look at us now, we are the majority population in college with more girls entering previously "male" professions than ever before. Obviously I'm not saying that women shouldn't be educated or professional, I have major respect for any body who works hard and get what they deserve. I'm saying that we have decided to strive to reach the pinnacles of success(whatever that means) in schools and in the work place, but we, the hearers of that message messed up. We got swept up in trying on all these new hats and never let go of the Betty Crocker image. How many men do you know that try to be Martha at home, an Einstein at school, and Trump in the business world. None. Now how many women do you know who attempt all that; I'm guessing quite a few. So give yourself a break, remember that you're one person, with one life, and your need to do and want to do list are the same, as long as you are truly doing what you want to do. Own becoming a wife, a scholar, a career woman, but don't let it own you. 

And don't take that the wrong way, I'm not of the thought that I can sin because God wants me to be happy. No mam, I'm talking about the true happiness of doing the work that God intended for you. You'll know when you find it, the big smile on your face will give it away. 

To sleep perchance to dream ....

If death were really just a falling into a state of permanent sleep, then despite what Hamlet says, I don't think I would like it at all. I've always had a bit of an off kilter waking life, but my dreaming life has always been very strange. I rarely remember my dreams, but once in a while I get really vivid dreams that are full of color and sound and even taste, but usually I have really, really emotional dreams. It's always been that way. When other kids were dreaming about boogie men under their bed and waking up to the relief of knowing that there is no boogie man under their bed, that all their parents have to do to console them is to allow them to climb into their beds and fall asleep in the security of the little nook that is created between the bodies of Mom and Dad, I had terribly emotional dreams that I would wake up crying hysterically from that, no matter what anyone said to me that day, left me feeling a little bit emptier inside.

To this date I don't remember ever having a nightmare, or a flying dream, or a running away dream, or any of those "normal dreams". I do remember a dream about getting killed, about being left in a ditch that I couldn't climb out of, I've attended numerous funerals - some people I knew, but mostly people I didn't, and this morning I woke up from a dream in which I was being choked to death in front of a group of people I knew and no matter how much I yelled, no one would help me. That, I think, is the reoccurring theme in all of these dreams; I am always helpless to control the circumstances, and abandoned. I don't know where those feelings come from, as I've never been abandoned or even necessarily cared whether I was left alone or not, but apparently I do in my dreams. The feeling of helplessness is also an interesting presence to me, because truthfully, I rarely actually feel helpless. In fact, I was just telling Alex that I probably feel as though I have more control than I actually do. I have trouble falling asleep if Alex isn't home and he's supposed to be coming home that night, not because I feel vulnerable, but because I'm afraid that something will happen to Alex and I won't be "ready" for it; as if my being awake would have any effect on the fate of my loved ones. It makes absolutely no sense, but I've always been that way. I've never been able to sleep when my parents weren't coming home, and I would always feel a little bit nervous until they came home. Even as a child, I would start to get incredibly nervous and scared if my parents came home even an half hour later than usual; standing outside, pacing back at forth all at the age of 6.

It's strange how we have these strange little tendencies and nuances that we are born with, that control who we are despite our efforts to deny them from defining who we are. I try so hard not to be a worrier, to be a reasonable person who understands that the things that I worry about are usually, completely out of my control, and I'm not helping anyone out by being a worrying mess, yet I can't help it. It's just who I am, and try as I might to repress it, this tendency rears it's ugly head at me through my dreaming life and leaves me feeling empty until I go to bed again.

Well Alex and I completed our five day juice challenge and we felt like leaner, cleaner, fighting machines until we decided to binge on pizza, pasta ... and more pizza. We do feel as though it has made an impact on our bodies and we feel as though we are at a great place to ring in a new year with healthier versions of ourselves.

I'm pretty much writing this entry because I just got back from the gym and want an excuse to continue sitting here eating my flat bread chips. (They are so delicious, you need to go get yourselves some if you haven't had any yet. Be sure to get the rosemary and olive oil kind ... you can thank me later.)

I'm currently contemplating finding a new full time job and so that's been taking up a lot of space on my mind lately. It's hard to find a good balance between the things I need to do, want to do, and should do and I can't figure out which category the new job would fit in to. I love subbing at the school but it's so unsteady and if I don't work for a couple of days I start to feel kind of like a bum; I think I'm just one of those people who needs a little anxiety in their lives in order to function properly.

On another note, Alex's brother Ian came to visit us this weekend and we had a lot of fun. We spent the first night in Dallas and then checked out a few antique stores on the way back (I'll give you 1 guess whose idea that was ... here's a hint: it was neither Ian nor me). The next day we showed Ian the base, took him to the Boardwalk, got some drive-thru eggnog daquiris, and of course took him to Bass Pro Shops. He was almost as amazed as we were the first time we went there. Here are some pictures from Ian's trip(that I stole):

Some pictures from the antique stores ...  

 Creepy old lady at the antique store ... there was an unnatural amount of mannequins at this antique store, and they were all posed differently and there was always at least one peering at you no matter which way you turned. We like to think that they come alive when the sun goes down and brutally attack and murder whoever is left there ... 

 Interesting and informative poster at Bass Pro

The boys taking a break at the Boardwalk  

 Alex's new friend ... 

Alex and I trying out poses for our save the dates 

I really should get started on making dinner so I guess I'll get up now ... wish me luck.......

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes!

Leaving the 80 degree Los Angeles weather was tough, but I am glad to be back home in Shreveport and getting back into the grind of things. Winter break was spectacular and I am surprised that I didn't eat myself into a coma, but I did get some good work done: I picked out my bridesmaid dresses, picked up my wedding dress, and put down a deposit at the venue(so look out for those save the dates!!!).

Alex and I did however eat ourselves silly so we decided that we needed to do something a little drastic ... after watching a documentary called "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" (Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead - Movie) Alex and I promptly stole my mother's juicer and decided to go on a five day juice diet. The idea behind juicing isn't to necessarily fast or deprive yourself, but to drink juiced vegetables and fruits so as to consume large quantities of vegetables and fruits that a person may not be able to consume solely by eating.

So this is what one week of juice ingredients looks likes. Lots and lots of vegetables and fruits!

Alex juicing it up like a pro. Speaking of pro, check out the painting in the background ...  

Our first meal on the juice diet. Beets, apples, carrots, ginseng, and spinach juice. 

Our fridge prepped with juicing ingredients

I must say that this juice diet has been tougher for me than Alex ... that's probably because I like to eat unhealthier than Alex, but it's been quite the challenge ... and it has only been one day! At any rate, we only have four days left to go and hopefully we will feel refreshed and detoxed by the end of the week. I have noticed how many radio, tv, magazine ads revolve around food and it's been hard sipping my beet juice after listening to ads about the new bacon, double cheeseburger that McDonald's has.  Nonetheless I am not going to quit ... mostly because I know that Alex will never let me live it down, so PRAY for me or send me thoughts of a full and satisfied tummy or something!!! 

Happy New Year!

... and what a year 2011 has been. I have gotten engaged, had 4 jobs, lived in 3 states, and appear to have crested into the stage of life known as "the late twenties". NBD. 2012 holds just as much in store for me, as we move to North Dakota and hopefully GET MARRIED! 


2011 really and truly was an interesting year for me, and it demanded a lot of me, especially in the maturity department. Moving out on your own is no easy task, let alone being removed from everything you've ever known and replanted in what may sometimes seem to be like another planet, and with someone else who has a hectic and demanding lifestyle of their own. Nonetheless, I have survived, and might even say that I enjoyed the roller coaster ride of 2011 and have grown tremendously in the last year. As I sit back and reflect on the year of 2011, I can't help but think of all that I have been blessed with and very often take granted for. My mother is ever loving and supporting and will literally get up in the middle of the night to feed you or listen to what you may have to say at 2 in the morning ... I have the 3 best friends in the world ... some may even say that they are .... 

I have very loving and kind future in laws who look out for my best interest as well as Alex's. I am blessed to have a wonderful man who is so incredibly kind to me and pushes and stretches me to be a better and more productive person each day(despite the great resistance he faces ... daily). The blessings that I have are countless and although there are many .. many many many days when I complain about the uncertainty of my day to day life due to "third parties" (cough cough THE AIR FORCE cough cough) I still have plenty of days where I marvel at the opportunity I have been given to help such a capable person achieve his dream and to experience life all over this country of ours; being forced to adapt has allowed me to love life in a different way and appreciate a way of life that I never thought I would be able to even survive in. Besides, no one's life is certain and health and wealth can not be invested in, so the best that we can do is invest in every moment that we have been given. 


So with that I bid you adieu and wish for the happiest of New Years to you, and I leave with you a prayer that I hope to be true for you in the year 2012 as well as the rest of your lives 

I will pray for you now, for you have been my faithful friends 

while the road we walk is difficult indeed

I could not ask for more than what you've already been 

only that you would say these prayers for me 

May your heart break enough that compassion enters in 

may your strength all be spent upon the weak 

All the castles and crowns you build and place upon your head

may they all fall come crashing down around your feet 

May you find every step to be harder than the last 

so your character grows greater each stride 

May your company be of humble insignificance 

may your weakness be your only source of pride 

What you do unto others, may it all be done to you 

May you meet the One who made us 

and see him smile when life through 

May your blessings be many but not what you'd hoped they'd be 

and when you look upon the broken 

may mercy show you what you could not see 

May you never be sure of any plans you desire 

but you'd learn to trust the plan He has for you 

May your passions be tried and tested in the holy fire 

May you fight with all your life for what is true. 

I have prayed for you now all of my dear and faithful friends 

but what I wish is more than I could ever speak 

As the way wander on I'll long to see you once again 

Until then, would you pray these prayers for me? 

Oh, that you would pray for me. 

-Kendall Payne, Pray